


Be It The Light You Never Found

by griners



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M, This is crazy, and an au, but read anyway pretty please?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/griners/pseuds/griners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David is a porn star and Cesc is studying to become a police officer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling for Hatred

David is a porn star. Cesc is studying to become a police officer. They’re wrong, but hell is never pure, anyway.

.

They get a complaint for domestic disturbance. Cesc, being fresh meat and eager to learn, gets sent in with two other officers to check it out. 

He’s excited and he knows he shouldn’t be but his body is composed and his mind is whirling, and he doesn’t quite comprehend what he’s seeing when they enter the house and they find two grown men fucking on the floor with five cameras pointed at them.

There’s one with a beard and a weird soul patch thing going on there and he turns slowly, frowns and stills his movements. “Is there a problem, officers?”

And Cesc has all the power in the world and wants to yell and grunt and ask what the fuck they thought they were doing and how was he talking to them like he was in any way superior, but soul-patch-man just keeps staring and Cesc is lost in the authority he doesn’t have.

“No, hum, no problem,” Steven stammers from his left, “No problem at all.”

They leave, and Cesc looks back one more time to see the man still staring at him, a smile so impure tearing his features that Cesc thinks his stomach might drop. The door closes loudly behind him and, “Well that was fucking weird,” Xabi groans, and Steven laughs.

“Yeah,” Cesc nods and acts like he knows, but he doesn’t know. Lost minds are everywhere, he reasons, and starts walking.

.

He’s at the grocery store. Cesc is there too.

They crash into each other (they were a disaster from the start) in front of the paper towels and Cesc looks up angrily, fired up from the shitty day he was having and ready to flash his badge like that gave him some sort of stance when-

“Hello there, officer.” (temptation, Cesc thinks, is not to be messed with) “I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”

“I don’t plan to,” Cesc offers him a curt smile and his hand is hovering his belt and the man glances down, glances back up, grins like he knew every secret behind thin blue veils and concrete walls (and Cesc recoils like his defenses aren’t enough).

“Be careful who you point that at,” (Cesc tightens his hand around the badge) “Throwing around a pretense of power won’t do you any good.”

Cesc snaps, “Just because I can’t arrest you doesn’t mean you don’t owe me fucking respect, you hear me?”

The man grins again, grabs a pack of napkins and throws it in the cart. “I’m David,” he laughs, extending his hand.

“I don’t shake hands with dirty people.”

David lets his hand drop, and there’s always a cloud in a perfect sky, but he doesn’t stop smiling, says, “I may be dirty, but at least I’m honest,”, and brushes past Cesc to the registers.

Cesc is left to wonder which is more important (and if he has any).

.

(They say third time is the charm.)

“Sir? You can’t smoke in here.”

David turns around, and a smile scraps at his mouth until there are scars all the way up to his eyes, “Yeah? Sorry then, officer.”

Cesc sets his jaw and closes his eyes and shakes his head (he wasn’t trained for this) “Do you have to be everywhere?”

David shrugs, looks at a spot over his shoulder because he doesn’t feel like looking at responsibilities. “I could ask you the same question. But I won’t.” (you never question the things you love.)

And Cesc was taught to fight and to struggle and to defend himself, and he knows he’s killing a piece of him but maybe it’s already dead and he just doesn’t have the time (or the awareness) to acknowledge it, and maybe, he just wants to feel like he is (something, somewhere, he just wants to feel alive), and he asks- “What happens when an angel kisses a devil?”

David lights another cigarette, and the smoke fills the spaces between his fingers and the air around him and Cesc thinks that’s where he wants to be. “You’re no angel.”

Cesc breathes, bites the inside of his cheek, “And you’re no devil.”

David kisses him (and Cesc isn’t innocent anymore).

.

The station feels different the next day. Cesc thinks maybe he’s the one who feels different, and sins flash before his eyes as he eats his breakfast quietly. 

Steven and Xabi say their good mornings as they come in and Cesc notices they both got out of Steven’s car, but doesn’t say anything (he may be young, but not everything gets past him).

Cesc checks his phone, wonders if angels and devils belong to this world at all and if he’s meant to find either. Thinks maybe he was taught to rinse the earth of dust and smoke and the devil, and he doesn’t mean to ask, but. Why?

(There are no such things as angels, he reasons. And purity is as unreachable as a life free of sin. Who’s the real devil here, then? The one who embraces what can be clean and what can be saved, or the one who kills in order to live?)

“What are you thinking about?” 

Cesc looks up at Xabi, and Xabi’s staring back as if barriers meant nothing and a bullet-proof vest didn’t stop the real danger. “Just, you know. Life.”

Xabi nods, drinks his coffee. He adverts his eyes to somewhere towards the window and blinks once, twice, and looks back at him. “Find someone who makes it worth living. And then you won’t have to think anymore.”

Xabi walks away, and Cesc doesn’t know what he is without his thoughts.

.

Cesc is used to feeling small under the stars, and the sky, and the mountains. Cesc is used to feeling small under the simple white roof of the station and the empty rooms decorated by thick metal bars that remind him of animal cages. Cesc is used to feeling small, but not like this.

Cesc isn’t used to feeling small under a body, in the presence of a mind so driven by lust it’s not working straight anymore. Cesc isn’t used to feeling small, and when he comes down from the high he pushes away from David, gets off the bed and grabs his shirt (run, leave, run, run). David pulls him back roughly and Cesc can’t look at him.

“For a cop you’re such a fucking coward.”

And Cesc wants to get angry, to feel hurt and to make him hurt, but he’s right, and he’s quiet. He lays his head on the pillow and curls his body up until he can’t be more withdrawn into himself. “I know.”

“Well then stop acting like one.” David’s not bothered or scared or troubled (Cesc thinks he doesn’t care).

There’s silence and sometimes it’s better that way. Cesc pretends to be asleep and David pretends to believe him, and the first three times are like this.

.

(This is the fourth.)

Cesc kisses him like he isn’t afraid anymore and David isn’t as eager, but he’s there. He pushes Cesc onto the bed and fucks him slowly, never looking away and never letting him look anywhere else but his eyes. 

David grunts and collides with the pillows heavily and Cesc smiles out of the pure joy of making him fall apart. David laughs, because he doesn’t know what else to do, asks what was different.

Cesc has his eyes fixed on the beige ceiling and says, “It was time something changed.” David frowns. “Nothing needs to happen in order for something to change. What are we? What is this?”

David slides his hands over the sheets, straightening them over and over again. “Not the same as last night.”

“Exactly,” Cesc sighs, and smiles. “And that’s good.”

The room is filled with sex and pants and moans and David laughs, laughs until his lungs are begging him to stop but then Cesc is laughing too and their ribs ache with something close to love and their laughter echoes with broken paths. Cesc laughs like he’ll die if he doesn’t and David laughs like he won’t live if he stops, and that’s different, but it’s not important.

“You’re fucking a porn actor,” David manages to get out and Cesc makes some sort of a wheezing sound and there are tears in his eyes and the laughter doesn’t stop, he just nods and says “Yes, I am,” and they don’t stop for a while.

(Later, Cesc will admit it was the first time he’d seen someone die, and David will look into his eyes and kiss him and everything will change. But that is an hour into the future, and they like to live in the present.)

.

David comes back just when Cesc wakes up. He brings bagels.

“Help yourself,” David throws them on the table and looks Cesc over once, and then one more time. “You need clothes.”

Cesc is wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and he grins, ruffles his hair shyly. “For your sake or for mine?”

David laughs and opens the fridge, takes out a carton of milk and orange juice. “Check in my closet, I think I have some old clothes that don’t fit my anymore.”

Cesc hears him talking but doesn’t listen, instead props himself up on the counter and swings his legs like a little boy who doesn’t know what to do to entertain himself. “You didn’t quite answer my question last night.”

David doesn’t turn around (Cesc notices how his back muscles go tense and how he sets down the glass harder than needed). “The fewer questions we answer, the better.”

Cesc shakes his head and frowns, because he doesn’t have his life worked out at all but he’s got a foundation and beliefs and arguments and it’s not right. “So you’d rather live in the dark?”

David sighs and leans against the table, looks Cesc in the eye before- “I fuck people for a living.” (and I would be cheating if that was what we were, but we’re not, and don’t break my heart).

“I know that. But no one paid you to fuck me.”

David’s face hardens and he scoffs, turns back with the pretense of heating something in the microwave. “No, no one paid me.”

“So what’s the problem?”

David is silent (for as long as Cesc’s breathing is uneven). “We’re two people that fuck from time to time, and neither of us is in a place to be more.”

(Cesc shivers with the word and the possibility and decides he understands) “Alright,” and he goes into the bedroom to change.

(There wasn’t a change in his voice, but David will shut down for the rest of the day.)

.

(There are moments they will never mention again. This is one of them.)

David is sitting near the bed on a plastic chair and he looks with nowhere to look at. Cesc enters the room quietly and shuts the door, locking it. He stands not knowing what to do or what to think (he stands trying to find a way to rid himself of the guilt (and the selfishness)).

“I’m really sorry-“ he starts, but David isn’t listening. Cesc knows that (but he keeps going (selfish, selfish)- “She was unconscious when we got there, and the robber got away. I’m- we- I mean, I-“ he stops. His hands shake. “I’m sorry.”

There’s something about David’s misery that is absolutely beautiful and Cesc is baffled at his thoughts. His heart pounds as he feels David’s eyes on him (puncturing his soul, ravishing it) and he opens his mouth to speak, but David speaks faster (quieter)- “It’s fine.”

“It isn’t,” Cesc shakes his head desperately and comes closer to him, “I’m a cop and we- we’re, I mean, it’s- it’s your mother, and I didn’t know but you look like crap and I hate it when the world falls down on you, I’m so, so sorry-“

“It’s fine,” David repeats, louder now, and Cesc stops. 

(He stays with him during that night. David starts to shake around 3 am and Cesc feels the vibrations all the way to his heart and wonders if that’s what keeps it beating.)


	2. Back To The Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David is a porn star. Cesc is studying to become a police officer.

(What doesn't kill you, tries to.)

They’re older now (a few months). It’s a Thursday and they’re lying on David’s bed for the first time that week, and there’s a beep.

Cesc groans quietly as he focuses on reality. He stops the beeping and tries to understand he’s getting called up in the middle of the night (and he’s trying to convince himself he doesn’t want to go because he’s tired. So very tired). His arm hurts where David’s head lays (his body is numb from carrying two souls).

Cesc opens his mouth to speak but David shuts his eyes tighter. His lines are hard and alert and he moves an inch closer in what could be perceived as a sleepy, innocent action. Cesc knows better and doesn’t like change.

“God help me,” he mouths and slings an arm over David’s body as he buries his head in his neck. He thinks he hears David whisper thank you, but it could be his guilty conscious trying to soothe his growing sense of responsibility.

They sleep.

.

“How was your day?”

David blinks, frowns, puts his groceries on the table and purses his lips. “I gave you a key for emergencies.”

“I know,” Cesc turns the page on his newspaper, smiles slightly and sets it down. He slings one arm over the couch before shrugging. “I just thought I’d surprise you.”

David nods and hums, opens the fridge door and closes it almost immediately. “You don’t have to coddle me, you know.”

Cesc is taken aback (his grip on the couch tightens). “I’m not coddling you.”

David laughs dryly and Cesc feels dangerous territory coming (the beginnings of a storm, and rain burns him). “Sure you’re not.” He grabs the orange juice out of the paper bag and sets it down on the counter. “My mother died, Cesc. It’s not the end of the world.”

His words are cold and Cesc freezes inside, but he knows it’s not true. “If you don’t want me to coddle you then you might want to stop acting like the tough guy all the time. You don’t have to do that around me.”

David’s features change for the smallest second (something removes a brick out of the ever growing wall before adding two more. Cesc feels like he’s being stabbed). They change again, but for the worst (Cesc hates change; he hates it with a passion (when it’s wrong)). He raises his eyes and- “You’re not special, Cesc. Don’t think you’re gonna save me or that you’re even fucking entitled to- I’ve made it clear that we’re not more than when we first met, what more do I have to say to get it inside your head?” he seethes, and then he’s back to unpacking fruit. 

Cesc decides that if there was ever a time to ignore what his mind says, it’s now; he gets up and touches David’s shoulder (his first mistake). David moves fast (Cesc could move faster, but he doesn’t, and he can’t believe how low his guard is) and twists his arm around with red filling his eyes- he pushes him angrily against the kitchen table and looks like he wants to kill him. “Stop it or I swear to God-“

“You stop!” Cesc shouts (but David can shout louder). “Stop fucking pushing me away because I’m not going anywhere!”

David is wide eyes and tense arms and dying laughter. He looks down before catching Cesc’s eyes and laughing broadly. “You know what? I fucked the most young, fragile, delicious looking guy today and I liked it, and it felt-“

“Don’t.” (Cesc hurts.)

“It felt fucking amazing, sliding my cock into him over and over again, feeling him moan under me, God Cesc you have no idea how good it was-“

“Don’t, David-“

“He even thanked me when we were done, that kid was superb and I-“

“Stop!” Cesc yells and pushes him back, and David looks crazy and happy and out of control. “That’s not gonna work on me!”

“Oh, stop thinking high of yourself, will you?” he’s disgusted. “Just because I fuck you more often than the others doesn’t mean I actually like you, Cesc. And it doesn’t give you the right to think so.” he’s not looking him in the eye anymore. “You can leave; you have a life to get to. If you don’t, then get one.”

David’s hurt him before, but never like this, and Cesc is strong, but not in this department. He grabs the keys out of his pocket and drops them on the counter. “Take them, then.”

(Cesc knows he won’t. He knows, he knows, he knows.)

David grabs the keys and tosses them on the couch. Cesc is next to the elevator when David shuts the door.

(It’s louder than their shouts, and Cesc wonders if that’s how the end sounds like.)

.

Cesc is chasing him through grass and dirt and annoyingly tall plants and he decides, fuck it- he throws himself in the direction of the runner and catches his ankle, yanks him back until he’s under him and Cesc’s face is hot and furious and adrenaline filled- he’s not aware of his actions anymore. 

The guy struggles beneath him and manages to throw a punch and Cesc loses it. He kicks his knee into his stomach and as he hollows in pain Cesc punches him back, again and again and again, and there’s blood on the floor and Cesc’s knuckles ache and there’s a fleeting sound of running and yelling but Cesc can’t hear a thing but the crack of flesh and his ears pumping with blood.

He feels someone pulling him back and Cesc doesn’t go easily- luckily, Xabi’s stronger and older and gets a hold of him, pushing him to the ground a few feet away. Steven’s calling for an ambulance and handcuffing the man before he has a chance to escape but he has none. He isn’t moving.

Xabi tells him later that he didn’t die, but Cesc hands in his badge anyway. 

Xabi raises an eyebrow, grabs the badge and goes to place it on top of Cesc’s desk. When he comes back, he pulls the blinds and hits Cesc straight across the face. 

“I don’t care what the fuck kind of problems you’re having, because no cop in this department is to have unnecessary blood on their hands. Got it?”

Cesc nods and apologizes until he’s out of breath, and Xabi walks away. 

He goes home and doesn’t sleep at all that night (he thinks he still hears doors closing and hearts breaking).

.

(David licks a long stripe along Cesc’s neck and he’s panting and writhing and David’s hands are pinning his hips to the mattress. He moves down and down until he can mouth Cesc’s cock through his boxers and press his palm against it as Cesc moans desperately and mentions something about coming on the spot. David laughs and is removing his underwear with his teeth when he feels something pulling him out of his bliss, out and out and-)

He gasps and sits up in his bed, his head thumping against the headboard and his heart beating wildly in his chest. David takes one look at his sweaty body and his raging erection and mutters a string of curses before heading to the bathroom.

He doesn’t sleep that night, either.

.

Cesc has a graduation, sort of (he’s proud of it). They hand him an official gun and an official badge and an official title. He keeps smiling but his chest is still bursting like something’s missing.

His place stinks of alcohol when he comes back and he remembers he has spare keys, too. 

(They’ll ignore what happens before due to this.)

“Help me,” David’s voice is cracked and raspy and Cesc has never seen him broken. He’s holding a bottle of whisky and hopelessness in his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Cesc doesn’t know what’s happening. He just knows he’s hurt and he wants to be selfish for once.

David throws him the keys he’d given him and stands, taking a swig out of the bottle. He closes his eyes and loves the burn in his throat. “You were right. You’re always right. And I’m bad for you, I’ve always been bad for you, and you shouldn’t be in my life because I don’t need you in it. I want you,” David shakes “so incredibly bad, and I only think about myself and I’m gonna drain every little ounce of happiness you have left. And that’s why you should leave while you can. That’s why.”

Cesc crosses his arms. “Yeah? Is that all?”

David laughs like he knew something Cesc didn’t. “Yes. Absolutely.” (I’m done.)

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

David does. He asks Cesc why. (David pretends not to hear his answer- I’m getting rid of everything toxic.)

David regrets asking for help when he’s on the other side of the door. Turns out he can’t stop being selfish, even in the depths of hell.

.

He goes into work with a massive hangover the next day. He doesn’t question the pounding on his head because he deserves it, and he wonders if he can persuade the producers into fucking someone with his sunglasses on.

“Actually, you won’t be fucking anyone today, Villa.” Pepe’s scribbling on his notepad and humming appreciatively. He snaps out of it when he looks at the younger man. “You’re fired.”

David’s heart stops. “I’m what?”

“Listen, we have enough problems as it is, we don’t wanna risk having anyone else on our backs because of underage actors.” Pepe raises an eyebrow. “We know you forged your papers to get in earlier. I’m sorry, but you being here only puts us in danger. Pack up your stuff and go, you can grab your money on the way out.”

Pepe walks away, and David smiles and laughs and rubs a hand over his face.

Maybe angels give second chances after all (but this isn’t a second chance, not really.)

.

Somewhere along the line-

(“Not everyone does it to pay the bills,” David murmurs, but he’s too fixed on Cesc taking his first drag to worry about what he’s saying. “Some of us just want to do it. Fuck what everybody thinks. Fucking people and getting payed for it is fucking amazing.”

Cesc shakes his head in wonder. “You’re crazy.”

“Says the boy with the cigarette on his fingers and a porn actor on his bed.”

Cesc smiles dangerously and blows the smoke out his lips, crashes them with David’s and moves to straddle him. “Tastes like addiction.”

“Me or the cigarette?” David asks, and his eyes are full of want.

Cesc shrugs calmly, “Does it matter?” he kisses him because it doesn’t, but he would have said both. “We’re destroying ourselves.”

David grins. “No, Cesc. You are. I’ve been wrecked since I was 17.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

David winks, “Forged papers,” and grabs the sin out of Cesc’s hand, sets it down on the ashtray. “You can finish that later. It’s still night outside.”

Cesc is poisoned and he likes it, for now. He sinks his teeth into David’s neck and loves his groan of pleasure instead of pain, loves how everything feels forbidden with him (and they do it anyway). Cesc loves the taste in his mouth and tells himself it’s only for tonight.)

.

They were never right, and they never will be. That’s mostly due to the fact Cesc found David over the breaking point, and he couldn’t die with him.

(David checks into rehab the following day, and believes in angels again.)


End file.
